Marriage and the Problem of Modern Man and Woman 

And he gave them their request; but sent leanness into their soul. Psa 106:15  

The Outsider Looking In

Every Sunday between 6.15 and 7am you will find me beside my transistor radio tuned to KBC English Service, where I would be listening to the poet loving preacher Rev. Geoffrey Njenga delivering his weekly Hope for Tomorrow sermon. And he never disappoints.

Then one Sunday about a month ago, my antennae shot to full height when I heard the title of the sermon he was going to deliver, I think, the title went along this line: What is the Problem with Modern Man?

Two young men had approached the preacher for advice about their marriages which had hit strong winds. The Rev then went ahead to give a power packed homily on the state of modern marriage and why young men were encountering a rough terrain.

He then contrasted the state of modern marriages, which break easily, with those of our grandfathers which lasted their lifetime, and where the word divorce was rarely heard.

Encouraged by that sermon, I feel constrained to add my own views on that subject, but in the way of an outsider looking in. God willing, I intend to do it in a snapshot like series of articles covering that subject, until I feel I have exhausted it.

One reason why our grandfathers and grandmothers lived their marriages until the end is because traditions were on their side.

A man’s place was marked, as a woman’s was. You will see it even today in rural churches where men have their own rows and the women theirs. So each knew their place. Society had defined them. And they stuck with them until death.

And when the Men were as Hardy as Steel

The men of old were ardent stoics. They weathered all moods successfully (unlike today). They lived and died as true men, even when they were incoherent and unpredictable. And their women were fiercely loyal and submissive, even unto death. They were sturdy, ragged and literally they bore a hard skin.

There were no marriage counselors then, as often, the old man’s walking stick fulfilled that purpose successfully. In contrast today’s modern man may help with the cooking, baby sitting and washing… but still the right formula for a lasting marriage continues to escape him.

The man tries – but the further he tries the more he seems lost… and the only person who seems confident in these situations is the wife.

And so the Reverend Njenga, in very succinct poetry, sympathized with the modern man.

Things Have Fallen Apart

The note of heroic has changed. Our grandfathers were not only loud, but they were also perpetually angry. Their temper defined their status as men. He roared like a lion while the women and their children scampered to safety. Today the note of heroic is blurred. At one time the man tries to be warm like Christ, while at another his grandfather blood rises in velocity, but most other times he’s beset with a rigorous anxiety.

On the surface this problem may look complex, but underneath it, this problem is quite basic and as old as Adam. He fell, and we his children, fell with him. And the foundation broke. It has remained that way ever since.

Now we see darkly in a mirror. But God has not left us alone. He has left us a memory, ‘I will come to you.’ Has he come to you yet? ‘The world is charged with the grandeur of God.’ I pray that you can begin to see it.

So what is your greatest fear my dearest friend? Accept the reality. The looking glass will always be cracked on this side of heaven. There is no perfect husband or perfect wife. But God gives the grace, and then we can see, even if it is only in part.

Finally let us accept this is not our home - But trailing clouds of glory do we come/From God, who is our home. We are here looking ‘for a city which hath foundations, whose builder and maker is God.’ Can we accept his leadership? Can we accept what he wills as best for our life? Can we love him (and not this world) with our whole heart, mind and soul? It is the only way we can avoid the lean life later on.

Or are you afraid because love sniffs through the doorway?

We are in a dry season. But it will rain again. Only let us get our priorities right. And let us be daring enough to take the road ‘less travelled by.’ It is that which makes ‘all the difference.’ And because it is that which will make us full men and women again, so help us God.